Office freewrite

The last time we made small talk you told me your father was depressed. I don’t remember the details of what you said because I choose not to, because I’ve grown accustomed to deleting your texts right away. But you might have said the expected: he’s growing old, feeling unfulfilled at work, something like that. I might have said what I always say, to give him a call every once in a while just to check in so he feels a little appreciated. You might have simply said, “good point” or something. I remember early on when we’d just started talking and you learned this way about me, you said you’d talked on the phone with your parents for twenty whole minutes. You were impressed with yourself. I laughed because gee, you don’t have to force it! I wonder how long you talk to them now.

***

I remember one evening that summer when I was at your house. You were training to get back into the season and so you left me home while you went for a run. Your father came home from work and sat with me in the living room while I was watching TV. He asked me where I was from, and how I learned to speak Spanish so well. I told him my mother was Dominican and he got all excited, he mentioned merengue and bachata which surprised me. I asked him what sorts of music were popular in Peru, and if there were any particular dances that were distinct to the country. He smiled and with a new animation to his voice he gave me a tour of the different regions in Peru. He pointed out how the influences in music have a connection to the land and so he also mentioned all the beautiful places he’s traveled to within the country, and how it’s so much more than Macchu Picchu. What I remember most is the way he spoke, with full use of his hands and a sense of pride and nostalgia in his voice. His eagerness to share was beautiful. Then you came back from your run and your father quickly left us alone again. You saw him go back to his room and then apologized for having taken so long.

When you waited with me at the station so I can take my bus back to Jersey, I felt like I needed to fill the silence so that way I wouldn’t fall apart right there in front of you. And so I’d asked if you knew when was the last time your parents went on a trip somewhere, even just outside Virginia. You looked at me like it was an odd question, and then said you didn’t know.

***

I like paying attention to what makes other people’s eyes light up, what brings new life to their voice and what sorts of things can make them feel like they could talk forever. I’ll even resort to the corniest sayings. Take the start to a recent phone conversation:

My Grandpa: How are you?

Me: Oh I’m wonderful, now that I’m talking to you.

Then he starts giggling, a sound I just love. I lean my cheek into the phone, a hug I know he won’t feel. But I love it when you can practically hear someone smile. Those are the moments when we’re at our most beautiful.