2013.

the year of growth. the year of taking a leap and learning how to feel okay with that swoosh in your stomach as you land towards the ground. the year of being selfish and establishing boundaries. the year i accepted that it's okay to put yourself first.

the year i outgrew an entire new jersey town, finally ready to be engulfed by a big city i'd only enjoyed on the periphery. before then, i was well acquainted with bridge crossings, with bus rides, with experiencing just enough of a city to know how it tastes on my tongue but never letting myself devour it completely. the year i was ready to take that plunge with the sound of my mother's departing words, "now is the time you can finally grow, now you can really be free" as she tried not to show how much it was breaking her heart. but it was the year she finally understood my need for a space of my own, for a space where i can no longer worry about keeping her whole. the year she understood i need to work on developing my own self instead. the year that not only i flourished, but saw my own mother grow in new ways which inspired me and reassured me that she was going to be okay. the year i sought to ensure that i'll also be okay.

the year i took risks and grew at work. the year i began to build a name for myself and learn that my name has been said out loud in whispers throughout the city. the year i spout words like 'fellowship' and 'comprehensive reform' and develop in ways that i struggle to articulate to my family. the year my family learned to shrug it off, call me 'city girl' and just know that whatever i'm doing, it's worth being proud of. the year i no longer craved their approval, but at the same time drew strength from their unconditional love.

the year i took ownership of my own body and no longer felt that 'old school' shame. the year i let myself be fragile and vulnerable to someone who did not love me but who also did not shatter me. the year of several breaking points, and the year i learned how remarkably easy it can be to finally walk away.

2013. the year a man told me for the first time, "i want you to feel comfortable. i want you to feel respected" and how i nearly cried because my ears are not used to such decency. i end the year knowing that those words should feel commonplace, expected. the year i continue to love myself and set the bar so high for the love that i receive from others. because it was the year i learned not to depend on someone else's love. i draw strength from other people, but ultimately it's my own love that sustains me.

2014 is nearly upon us and i'm already feeling that familiar swoosh in my stomach. but no matter where i land i know that deep down, i'll be okay.