billets-doux.

letters.

[to the first love] — you never forget the first person who kissed you, touched you, who opened your eyes to the delightful world of intimacy. i think i fell in love more with that feeling and less with you, really. because you're just a person - a beautiful person who shared my interests and sense of hard work and determination and who was also building himself out of a remarkable life story. but the world is filled with beautiful, driven people who have remarkable life stories. i realize that now, and i'm sorry i held onto that initial feeling for so long. i remember how young you were when we first met and maybe i was expecting too much from you because there's truth in the phrase, "we were just in different places in our lives." but when we reconnected years later, i noticed you still hadn't matured in terms of intimacy. i hope one day you meet someone who helps you understand just a little bit of how i felt about you. or maybe you'll always dismiss me as some crazy, overemotional girl who writes bad poetry. either way, please find a way to open yourself up to love, okay? i know it's in you somewhere because i swear i saw glimpses of it. don't be afraid to let that love come out.

[the one who tried] — i'm sorry i couldn't return your love. truth is, you mapped out a comfortable future for us and it was a future i didn't want. you taught me about wine and brought me into privileged parts of the city. you were impressed and curious about my passions, but our conversations were always light, unstimulating. i'm reminded of the the latest book i read, where the protagonist describes a failed relationship like "being content in a house but always sitting by the window and looking out." i didn't want your comforts, i didn't want to sit back and have you order a meal for me, and so i left. when we parted ways i told you i'll always respect you because your kindness is hard to come by. you echoed back something similar, and said we should just leave it at that. because what else is there to say? even in my leaving you tried to be accommodating. but you deserve more than the concessions you were willing to give me. i hope one day you meet someone who finds your love is just enough for them.  

[to the one its spinning towards] — yes, i told you i like you, but it's a bigger deal that i've admitted i like what you stand for. you're passionate and driven and dedicated. you get it, and you're also aware of your privileges and the marks where you fall short. i love that i can envision you as a partner, as someone who can stand alongside me. you share my sense of family values - you ask about my mom because you're aware of how much she's an integral part of my life. i remember opening up to you about my father and how it was the first time i saw you get visibly emotional. i'm scared of how i'm falling for you in a very real, deep way. i'm terrified, actually. right now i'm respecting the pace in which your heart thumps quietly but i'm hoping that you might be falling for me too. i once read a description of love as though it were a top where all the colors in the world are spinning so fast that they’re not colors anymore; all that’s left is a white hum. right now, i'm just trying not to get caught up in all the spinning.